I’ve been in denial about my weight. Not about being fat. I am fat. I’ve learned to own that about myself. No, what I’ve been in denial about is my weight in conjunction with my health. For years I told myself that I was one of those healthy fat people. Then, when my weight started to impact my mobility, I would tell myself that as soon as this pain in my back / hip / knee / ankle let up, I’d be healthy as a horse again.
A few weeks ago I got hit with a big does of reality. Or rather I hit a big dose of reality. Face first. Literally.
My husband, my son, and I were on our way out the door to go to church. They were already in the van and as I stepped off of the little walkway that leads to our driveway, my left ankle collapsed. It just folded right out from under me. My cane went flying and my right knee buckled and down I went. I couldn’t even stop myself. All I could do was watch the ground get closer as I toppled like a felled tree. A quick scream was all I could muster and then I was down, flat on my face in the yard.
The next moments were a blur. My husband, both of my sons, and my oldest son’s friend all rushed over as I sat up and took stock. Nothing was broken but ohhhhhh man everything from my hips down hurt something fierce. I couldn’t get up on my own and was too afraid and embarrassed to have my husband try to lift me up so I had my son run and get a chair from the kitchen and bring it outside. After much agony and trying not to cry (it really is humiliating being so heavy that you can’t pick yourself up off the ground), I was able to hitch myself over onto my knees and use the chair seat as a ledge to heave myself up onto my feet.
Once I stopped shaking, I let my husband take me to the emergency room where they x-ray’d my legs and gave me a shot of some kind of uber-NSAID for pain that did nothing for the actual pain and burned like hell when they injected it into my shoulder. My blood pressure was through the roof and when all was said and done, I ended up with a sprained right knee and two sprained ankles. The doctor told me that I was lucky I fell onto the grass. If I had landed on the walkway or the driveway I probably would have broken something.
Since then, I’ve started testing my blood sugar and my blood pressure again on a daily basis. The blood sugar levels are too high but my blood pressure is surprisingly normal. At my follow-up with my doctor, I found out that I have reduced vascular function in my legs because of my diabetes and they want me to go get a whole battery of lab work done to make sure my kidneys are alright.
Recuperating these past few weeks has given me a lot of time to think and I’ve come to the inescapable conclusion that I really do need to lose weight. Not because I think I should be thinner but because I realize that I am just not healthy at my current weight. That’s part of the reason I started Fat Chick Blogging. To motivate myself and maybe help some other people along the way.
So yes, I fell down but I managed to get back up – in more ways than one – and am ready to get working on a healthier me.